I
am Confused...Please Explain this to me!
|
I used to work at a Newspaper in the
New Media Department. A good majority of the emails that were sent to
this newspaper come directly to me. I have posted some personal
favorites below. Keep in mind as you read these that I WAS WORKING AT A
NEWSPAPER. I was not a personal consultant for any problem that you
may encounter in your life, nor was I a travel agent, jewelry dealer, or
recipe database. The responses that I wanted to send appear below the
messages.
Names and email addresses
have been removed to protect the "innocent."
|
|
|
|
Depending on your
organization's needs an online business
email hosting service is probably better for your needs than shoddy
email solutions like AOL's.
|
|
Received
1/5/2003
Subject: sports
was wondering if
u could give me info on a briuns alumni vs all stars on the week end of
the 10th of jan 2004what time cost if any etc. thanks for your time please
e mail me back thanks again
|
This is a great
example of how not to type an email. I sincerely hope that
this was written by a 4-year old but sadly I doubt it. |
Received
1/5/2003
Subject:
Mailing Address
I am needing a mailing address for Father Rene Laurentin, concerning
Little Audrey Marie Santo.
|
Who? What?
Huh? Little Audrey Marie Santo sounds cute. Is she
legal? |
Received
1/2/2003
Subject: Pumpkin Festival 2004
Hello, I was
hoping you could verify the dates for the Pumpkin Festival/ 2004. I
believe it will be the weekend of the 23rd/24th, but before I make
reservations I wanted to verify. Thank you for you time. K Diocese
Churchville, NY
|
I would love to
help you but unfortunately seeing the future isn't one of my many
gifts. |
Received
12/6/2003
Subject: enclosed blinds
We purchased a
new home that has french doors. I wanted to put enclosed blinds on the
windows, but when looking for them, the largest width I could find was 22
inches. The doors at our house have glass panes measuring 26 1/4 inches by
61inches. Is it possible to have custom made enclosed blinds, or do I have
to look for something else for those doors?
Thank You very much
Camille An Idiot
|
Umm.... If you
want a very nice papier-mâché blind made from newspapers then I
would be happy to help you out with this.. |
Received
12/1/2003
Subject: no subject
Would like to
here story on arm robbery in Sometown
|
It must suck to
have your arm stolen. |
Received
11/3/2003
Subject: Bridal Info
Good Evening,
My name is Lisa Lazy. I'm orginally from your area and am looking to head
back as a wedding photographer. Could you tell me about expo rental costs,
availability and dates?
Thank you
Lisa Lazy
Received
10/21/2003
Subject: transfer mail
Hi we recently
moved our service from verizon to road runner and i AM TRYING TO ACCESS
ANY LETTERS STILL IN THE VERIZON eMAIL EUDORA ACCOUNT. Our account was
MORON105@verizon.net. Can the mail be transferred to our new account?
|
I especially like
the medley of upper and lower-case letters in this one. |
Received
5/7/2003
Subject: technical questions
I am not sure if I am contacting the appropriate people on this but I
currently use Netscape 4.7 and Windows 95. If I download the 7.0 version of Netscape will it be compatible with Windows 95? Also is
there a 1/800 number I can call to ask more technical questions.
I currently am getting a lot of error messages when I try browsing other web sites. "..performing illegal operations..." when I look at different
web career sites. I never had problems before.
| Wouldn't
you think that contacting Netscape might be a good idea?
Whatever happened to common sense? Did we smoke it all?! |
Received
3/14/2003
Subject: hello
Hi, Listen, I realize you probably are my only chance, I live in Wyoming
and have for years bought a product called Maple Glow. It is manufactured in your city by someone who makes it in his garage. It's
great stuff and of course, I've lost their phone number. I've called information and the operator tells me there is no listing for Maple
Glow, so that means it's under some guys name. PLEASE, if I'm really nice (like you would know if I'm nice or not) would you ask around and
find the phone number for me, so I can call and order another case of this stuff. Thanks, I know this is a pain in the posterior, but if I
could think of another way I would.
| OOOH
can I please spend my day researching some product that is made in
a garage?! thanks! |
Received 1/23/2003
Subject: Brian O'Ron
Nothing happen
in Grandanbal in April 13, 2000. Where is Brian O'Ron now. Was he not
convicted for fraud. The church does not accept his so called miracles.
Any updates?
| Huh?
Is that a question? What exactly are you talking or asking
about? A little background please? |
Received 10/24/2002
Subject: Wholesale Purchase
Dear Sirs:
I operate a gift booth at the Virginia Avenue Mall in in Clarksville VA
and would like to stock your baskets. Could you e-mail me information on
wholesale purchasing from you.
June Went
Lakeside Treasures
Thank you!
| I
wish that I knew what kind of drugs this person has! What
part of an online newspaper would lead you to believe that we are
selling baskets. There is some confusion here and for once
it's not me that's confused! |
Received 9/4/2002
Subject: Is YourTown Mayor an Air Force Buddy?
The printed
edition of the Belleville News Democrat, Belleville, Illinois, had an
Associated Press article concerning a plane crash near the YourTown
Airport.
The news article revealed the name of the mayor of YourTown as Mister
Blah. The name is not a very common one, but sounded familiar to me
and I wondered if it could be the Mister Blah I knew in 1953 in the Air
Force.
A Google search of Mister Blah quickly put me in touch with your web
pages. The information I was looking for concerning his age,
background, etc. was immediately available in Tracing Faces, Profile of a
Mayor: Mister Blah of YourTown, published 4/21/02. From this profile
of Mayor Blah, I was able to determine that he was about my age, had
joined the Air Force about the same time as I did, and was from Vermont.
Could he really be someone I knew 49 years ago? Hence, this
request for your help.
Would you please furnish me the email address for the mayor's office?
I prefer this method for initial contact rather than telephone.
It is less personal, and if we don't know each other, I won't be
embarrassed.
If he is an old Air Force friend, you may want a better and more thorough
description of how your newspaper was instrumental in helping me identify
and locate him.
Thank you for your on-line edition.
Ben Billton
| The
Magic 8 Ball says that "all signs point to yes."
Since you obviously know how to do an internet search then why
don't you do a search for the Mayor's Office or Town and City
Offices? That's what I would have to do - so do it yourself!
Once again I do not have an archive of email addresses for the
entire city stored in my head. Where has all the common
sense gone in this world? It would have taken less time to
do your own search than it took to craft this highly detailed
history of your life in the Air Force. |
Received 8/1/2002
Subject: I am
looking for...
...fences/gates/catalog. is this the place?
| This
is the laziest type of Email user... You know the kind. It
is even possible that you are an offender yourself. You
know, the people who start a sentence in the message subject and
then end it in the message body. Notice the usage of slashes
instead of forming an actual complete sentence. Then they don't
even take the time to sign their name. |
Received 7/2/2002
Hi,
This is my first visit to your website and I am looking for country line
dancing. I have gone into each date and looked at dance. The search page
doesn't seem to be working. Can you give me further information?
Thank you,
Dolly
Before
I actually comment on this dedicated search for line dancing, I
feel the need to point out one thing. There is a large,
bold, red disclaimer on the search page that reads as follows:
**Currently not available.
We regret any inconvenience this might cause.
If you need a particular article or back copy,
you can now order it online.
I have a
feeling that the reason the search "doesn't seem to be
working" is because there is no search. Funny how that
happens. If you've gone to each date and looked at dance then
chances are pretty good that we don't have a secret archive of line
dancing events that we like to keep to ourselves. |
Received
6/26/2002
Hi,
I am trying to locate a Bobby Whoosie.
He went to Your Town High School, and graduted in 1967. We are having our
35 year reunion. I would like very much to find him. Do you have any
ideas? He has a sister name Kathrine. She maybe married. I would
apperciate any information you may have. I heard he maybe living in europe.
Thank You,
Randolph
Ok,
if you even admit at the end of the email that you think he's
living in Europe, then:
A.
How can I possibly help, this is the United Stated
B. Who in the hell would fly all the way from Europe to go
to a High School Reunion anyways? The only people
who aren't trying to forget High School are the rich
snobby jock punks who were in the "popular" groups.
Everyone else realizes that it's a total joke and has NOTHING to
do with the real world. He probably moved to Europe to get
away from people like you. (maybe I should speak with a
therapist about my High School issues?)
|
Received
5/20/2002
Subject: Flower Shops
I am looking for
a florist in your town. Your web site had everything but a florist listed.
If you could please E-Mail me back the names and addresses for some I
would greatly appreciate it. My Great Aunt has passed away, and I would
like to send some flowers.
Thank you for your help
NeedaPhoneBook
| Well
I do feel bad about your aunt, but if you tried searching for
Florists in our town I am sure you would find something.
It's not like I know the info off the top of my head. Either
way one of us has to do some research, and it ain't gonna be me!
Also, there's this amazing thing called FTD that 's been around
since the late 80's. All you have to know is a person's
address and you can send flowers. I am going to send a
"Sorry you can't use a fucking computer" bouquet right
now. It comes with a cute little teddy bear and some
of those miniature balloons. |
Received
5/17/2002
Subject: Information Request
I am a former
resident of OurTown receiving an award from the Boy Scouts here in New
Jersey. They would like to know the Boy Scout Troop number associated with
St. Whooliwho's Episcopal Church to which I belonged in the 1950's. Can
you provide the number of the troop for me? Unfortunately, I have lost
track of it. Thanks.
| I
never became a Boy Scout. I quit the Cub Scouts when our
exciting field trip was going to be a tour of a newspaper.
How ironic that I now find myself working for one. If even one
person can give me an example of why I would have that info then I
will try to back off on the sarcasm. |
Received
5/13/2002
Subject: Assistance Needed
Dear whoever gets this,
It is a pleasure to contact you at this important time for a possible
business transaction. However, I got your contact through a search on the
internet website and your profile got me convinced of your wide experience
in business. I am Mr. Frankline Savimbi, a family brother to the late
General Jonas Savimbi, leader of the Angolan unita rebel who was shot dead
by febuary 2002 by the opposing forces of Angolan army. For the past years
now our country have been in political crisis and conflicts betwwen the
unita rebel and goverment allied forces. As a matter of fact,before the
death of General Jonas Savimbi,l was given US$10.8million dollars, 45,550
carat Diamond and 5400ounce Gold for the purchasing of Fire Arms and
Armunations from Russia and a mini Lafeyette Frigate from Ukrain. I
considered it a great opportunity as he is now late confiscated the
Package and diverted it to Lome-Togo in west African Nation where it has
been deposited in a Security Company on a special arrangement as a
Treasure. Therefore,my aim of contacting you is for you to assist me with
your personality and influence to transfer and secure the said treasure
over to your country, into your possession.I have the ambition of
investing this money and as well keeping a long lasting relationship with
you. Presently, I am in Lome capital city of Togo west Africa where I have
been in hideout since the past weeks l was sent on this assignment before
his death. I would like to appeal to you that time is not my friend as i
am anxiously looking forward for a responsible, reliable and honest person
to act as my client or beneficiary so that I will transfer this Treasure
out of Africa because I am not safe here in Africa. Sir, if you can
sincerely assist me towards my proposal,with all your trust,we shall
discuss about your percentage share first as soon as I receive your urgent
and positive reply. Please kindly,handle this proposal with your utmost
secrecy and confidential as all the necessary documents and proves as
regards to this treasure will be forwarded to you on your request. Hoping
that our transaction will be considered with every confidentiality.
Yours sincerely,
Mr.Frankline Savimbi.
NB:Include your telephone and fax nunber in your reply.
| Wow!
Buried treasure! I didn't change the name on this, so feel
free to track this guy down and get your share of the buried
treasure. Quite an elaborate story. I realize that the
email said to proceed with "utmost secrecy", but since
his original email went out to hundreds of recipients, what's
wrong with a couple hundred more interested parties. What
are you waiting for? Grab your shovel and get diggin'! |
Received
5/4/2002
Hi there!
Am trying to gather information about the art festival you have that
involves local artists and the children of Your City. I believe the
artists were juried although I am sure there were some local artists.
Please share any information you have or who I can contact to obtain
the information.
Thank you
Barely Legal
Clareville, USA
| Since
there are only about 15 or so art festivals per year in our city
it should be no problem to figure out what this woman is asking
about. Imagine, an art festival that involves local
artists! That really helps to narrow it down! |
Received
3/24/2002, 8:49 AM
Subject: Missing Ad on Website
An order was
placed to have an ad put in the Sunday March 24 edition and the website.
The website ad is missing.
The ad was listed under Prof.Help Wanted. section of the paper.
Company placing ad: Clueless Computer Consulting Inc.
This ad MUST appear on the website.
Is there anyway to have this updated ASAP.
Please contact Marsupial Whatsit at 555-1212.
Thank you.
Received 3/24/2002, 8:52 AM
Subject: I Found It
I sent an email
regarding the posting of an ad on the website.
I have found the ad for Clueless Computer Consulting Inc.
Please disregard the previous message.
Thanks you
M. Whatsit
| They
must be a good computer consulting firm since they can't even
navigate a web site with any level of success. I swear that
people must get sexually aroused by pointing out mistakes made by
a newspaper. Any chance they get they try to jump all over
us, and 9 times out of 10 it ends with a situation like this.
An old phrase comes to mind. "Look before you
leap." |
Received
3/14/2002
i am trying to locate a summer golf
site entitled "Putters." could you help me? also the address,
phone #? thanks, pj
My
actual response:
Hello there,
Unfortunately I don't know anything about that. Perhaps you might
try an internet search or checking the phone book.
Their
reply to my response:
hi,
thanks, i called the phone co. and they had the info. it is in west
moreland, wherever that is? no phone number listed. thanks again. pj
| This
is yet another lazy fucker who thinks that just because email
is easy to use you don't have to follow the normal rules of
etiquette, sentence structure, and punctuation. Email
has created an entire subculture of lazy people. If you
need more proof that this person is about as motivated as a
sack full of smashed assholes then just look at the reply.
Why do people try to get me to track down info for me?
Do I look like a Private Dick? |
Received
3/04/2002
subject: new storefront or repair
if your looking for a new storefront or repairs on your existing
storefront return mail this message, we can also turn your existing single
pane storefront glass into insulating glass without removing your ald
glass save money on fuel bill, we also so tinting and windows
glazier14843@yahoo.com
| I
don't normally included spam in this section, but in this case I
decided to make an exception. This is without a doubt the
most poorly constructed piece of junk mail that I have ever
received. I don't think that a piece of dried up dogshit
would buy from this idiot. (Let's count the errors: 1.
used your instead of you're. 2. used insulating
instead of insulated. 3. used ald (not a word) instead
of old. 4. used so instead of do.) If you are
serious about trying to make money maybe next time you will run
the spellchecker and proofread your message. I know that
it's very long, but trust me it's helpful. By the way, I
didn't change the email address so feel free to contact this
genius. |
Received
3/03/2002
>Hello to All:
>It was a dark and stormy night.
I just
can't help myself... after receiving, over the past year or so,
dozens of your emails that look like clumsy, self-serving press releases
touting your "music" I just have to indulge in a howl. All
of us who fly
frequently have had experiences with ill passengers, unruly
kids or drunks, mid-air emergencies, or whatever... but in spite
of the plucky and "lovely" Patricia's good work on the plane, I
wonder why all of us
(including a number of big name recording companies on your list... good
grief... as if they CARE) were told about
it in excruciating detail, using up band width that many of us can
ill afford..
And
just a hint. When writing to a gazillion people (as you did with your
message) do NOT put all the names and email addresses in the "cc"
list. We have to download all that stuff, and if any of us are paying
by the minute, it can be really annoying... no maddening. I have
just "replied to all" with this message to the same (your)
gargantuan list, but by
putting their names and addresses in the "Bcc"
slot, no one will have to download the list of your ten thousand
closest friends. AND you will not be broadcasting our email addresses
to the world at large, including a great many people we do not
and will probably never know. It is inappropriate and rude. And, incidentally,
I for one am not impressed with the great list of important
names, record labels, etc. I guess that's why it's not hidden
in a "bcc"... maybe you are trying to impress all of us with
your great fame and
importance.
Why do you write all your emails putting yourself in the third
person (the "royal HE"?) as if they were written by a private
Boswell, or a
journalist who has been detailed to follow you around and
write down every deathless word, document every trivial adventure.
It's creepy. It's pretentious. It's actually sad.
I don't
want you in my computer.
Please
remove me from your mailing list.
Thank
you,
Lotsa Anger
| Wow!
This lady is almost as angry at the world as I am! If you
are curious what the hell she is talking about then read the email
farther down the page from 1/23/02. It is a mailing list
that apparently we are both fortunate enough to be included in.
She wrote back with the message that I couldn't include.
This woman is my hero! |
Received
3/03/2002
Dear webmaster,
I am 24 years old, just got married, and I have never met
my father. I have done extensive research, and all leads
point to the @#$%/@#$%^@$#% area. I live in Las
Vegas, NV. My father's name is Rusty Nail Box. I
think his new wife's name is Linda. He was born around
1944, in Michigan. I had one address for him at one
time that was in @#%#@$^. I have not been successful
at getting a phone number or street address.
I dont want anything from him, only to say "Hi".
It's tough going through life not knowing. Any
help will be appreciated.
Thank
You for your time.
| As
sad as this is I still don't get it. Why do people think
that a newspaper knows who every person is? Maybe it's just
me. Maybe this person heard about my genius skills and just
assumed that I would be able to help. I really hate to let
people down, but maybe contacting the town that you narrowed it
down to or using the phone book would be a good step to take next. |
Received
2/22/2002
HI!
I AM
LOOKING FOR THE STORIES AND ARCTICALS OF PAST WEEK. THE DATE OF THE 12ST
OF THIS MONTH. FEBUARY. CANNOT FIND ONLINE! YES?
aLSO
THE AD WAS THERE AND WAS NOT AGAIN? WITH SHIRT? WHY?
AND SAYS WEATHER FOR KEEN. WHY NOT OTHERS?
THANK
YOU!!!
-TSADILI69
Received
2/18/2002
Subject:
!@#$% Annual Rock Swap
I have missed
seeing this event advertised in hobby magazines. Is it still a
scheduled event ? I attended once and thought I'd like to do so
again.
I'd appreciate anything you might tell me.
I.M.
Hard
| Hmmm,
a rock swap. Doesn't that sound like fun! Do you
suppose that they are swapping crack rocks at least? This is
also a good example of a person who thinks that all the normal
rules don't apply to email. It's like people have accepted
it as a chance to be lazy fucking assholes. I am talking
about mentioning the subject only in the subject line and not in
the email itself... real classy! |
Received
2/11/2002
I am writing to you from Rhode Island on behalf of my elderly aunt who
lives in FLA and
is moving to ^%$# in April. She
mentioned that there were new apartments being built in ^%$#, and I
wondered how I could
get information/tel # on such?
Thank
you
Whatsa Phonebook
whatsaphonebook@cox.net
| Yet
another sob story of someone that doesn't know how to use a phone
book. Maybe you could try an internet search for the town
you are interested in? I feel sorry for these people, I
really do. I wonder if someone has to do their grocery
shopping for them because they can't find their favorite brand of
pork rinds. |
Received
2/06/2002
Dear Web
Administrator,
Please review our long-term care information site http://www.ltclink.net
for your library site's
seniors' links section. I update regularly and attempt
to keep it as non-commercial as possible. We plan soon to add actual
content such as explanations of services and current long-term care
news. Having a
long-term disability myself and having been through it with
all four parents–mine and my wife's–I want to help others find
long-term care
resources. I hope you find this useful.
Dumbass Today
| I
have noticed a somewhat disturbing trend lately. It seems
that I am now receiving email worthy of this page on a daily
basis. I am pretty psyched for this guy because pretty
soon he is going to add actual content. Imagine that.
I wonder what he has now. Since it's not actual content
I didn't bother checking it out. |
Received
2/05/2002
I demand total and perfect happiness for every man woman and child,
Forever and ever and
ever and ever. To
achieve that I
need everyone to understand that space ends, space does not go on forever,
it ends. The
big difference between space ending or not ending is if space does not end
then space does not have a shape but once you understand that space ends
then space can take a shape and that shape can move. Then
I need to talk to everyone three times half hour each time at the end of
the third half hour the rapture shall occur and everyone shall be taken to
heaven.
Halbert Wackjob
| Holy
Shit that is confusing! This guy must have a big spaceship
if he knows that space ends. At least I think that is what
he is saying. And what about talking to everyone three times
every half hour...is that possible? |
Received
2/04/2002
How can I find
out what someone is "in" for and how long they will be there?
Most grateful for any help.
Thank
you,
Tracing A. Felon
| This
is one of my favorites so far. It is short and sweet.
I have no fucking idea where you would find this information.
What thought process does someone follow when they decide to
contact a newspaper and ask this kind of question? What
brand of reasoning leads you to thinking that this would be a good
place to start? Talking to this person must be like trying
to explain the basic laws of physics to a puppy dog.
"Jump, Fifi, jump. Good dog, now have a biscuit." |
Received
1/31/2002
I am doing
genealogy research and am in need of some information. What
I am looking for is information from the marriage license of Nat Argonaut
& Cheryl Ann ?-do not know her maiden name. She was also married once
before so this would be
her 2nd marriage. Anything that you can tell about there
parents, when & where they were born, etc... They
were married on 5/6/1995. I
am also looking for information on there son Joshua born 2/16/1995. This
is all that I have,
anything further that you can send would be appreciated.
Mysmell
Fillup
Kittery, Maine
| Yet
another example of someone who just assumes that I have nothing
better to do than research for them. This rude person
doesn't even ask, they just bark out their orders to me. We
don't even offer that kind of service anyways. |
Received
1/24/2002
For Immediate Release
From: Jeff Danger, 46 Prince Street, Cambridge, MA 02139
(617) 899-4140 January 23rd, 2002
Stop
Attacks Against Puppets (SAAP) is a recently formed organization dedicated
to understanding why children attack puppets during puppet shows in
increasing numbers, informing the public about this social problem, and
finding ways to prevent future attacks on puppets and puppeteers. Jeff
Danger, President of SAAP, is available for interviews. Graphic,
real video footage of puppet attacks caught on tape is available to
selected media outlets. Learn more at: www.stoppuppetviolence.com
Please
call any time up to 8 PM EST. Thank you.
Jeff Danger, President
Stop Attacks Against Puppets
| This
is an actual email that I received. I am sure that it must
be some kind of a joke, but it still begs the question of how I
was selected as one of the luck recipients of this message.
I didn't change any information in this one. If you want to
help stop the madness then be sure to contact Jeff yourself. |
Received
1/23/2001
Hello to all of
you:
I have some interesting information which I must tell you about.
Yesterday, I spoke to the 1st Violin at the Seattle Symphony who agreed to
listen to my Violin Concerto (No. 1). What he said is of no small
importance
and may be useful information for all of you.
Simon
James said:
"Dick, I listened to your Violin Concerto and enjoyed it very much.
It is
good enough to be performed by any of the great orchestras in the
world."
I then asked, cautiously, if I could quote him and he said, "Of
course you
may."
Simon
James and I plan to meet when the Seattle Symphony comes to Florida in
February.
Best
regards,
Dick Engelfield
| What
can I possibly say about this one? I don't even like
violins, they make me angry. And how the hell did I end up
on the Violin Spamming list? |
Received
1/12/2002
The Anonymous Town Employee Email
(it deserves it's own page so I gave it one)
Received
1/09/2002
Dear Honda of @$%^&:
Stronghold Technology Group has developed powerful VIN decoding software!
Stronghold VIN is a unique database product that allows the conversion of
Vehicle Identification Numbers (VIN's) into detailed vehicle information.
By simply entering a VIN, users of the Stronghold VIN can more accurately
identify the correct vehicle and it's composition...See example below:
Sample VIN: WBAGJ8328W*******
Year: 1998
Make: BMW
Model: 7-Series
Sub Model: 740IL
Body: 4-Door Sedan
Engine: V8 4.4L Gas 4398cc MPFI DOHC 32V
Drivetrain: Rear Wheel Drive
Transmission: Automatic
Features Include:
Identifies vehicles from 1980-2001
All major makes including Import & Domestic
Identifies over 99% of vehicles on the road
All vehicle data is standardized across all manufacturers and years
Website: http://www.stronghold.com/
Email: dataservices@stronghold.com
Or call a Stronghold representative at 949 261 9944 x 305
| As
useful as a VIN Number decoder would be I am unfortunately not
involved in the business of stealing cars. If I ever change
professions then maybe I will contact these guys and order a
couple. Gee, I bet that Honda could really use one of these. |
Received
1/4/2002
Hi,
I
noticed that Henry David's is not listed under restaurant section.
Have they closed? If
yes, would you know how I can find their Tomato Cheddar
Soup recipe?
Thank
you,
Dumb Hanson
State College Alumni
| I
really liked that soup too, it's a shame that Henry David's closed
like 10 years ago. |
Received
1/2/2002
Would you please send me two sets of system maps by mail? Thank you very
much.
Sincerely,
Tony Lousy
1234 Plymouth Ave
San Francisco
| I
wonder what system they would like maps of? Perhaps they
want a diagram of our internal computer network? Maybe a map
of the pipe system for the toilets in the building? |
Received
12/27/2001
My Museum need acid free write paperboard which will be used to make
collection boxes.
Could you please send us some samples (1mm thick and 2mm thick) and
tell the prices to:
Jinping
Zhang
Conservation Lab.
Museum of Chinese Revolution
Beijing, 100006, PR China
| Well
perhaps this chap is assuming that because we are a newspaper and
we use paper on a daily basis that we are by default a retailer
for exotic paperboard. Maybe some day they well spend the
money to print the paper on acid free paperboard, but given the
current economic clmate I am pretty sure that we will stick to the
newsprint we are using. What kind of fun is acid free paper
anyways? |
Received
12/12/2001
Subject: ARTEK INC
I'm trying to contact this company. Is it still in business.
Thanks
Ruth
Stall
| I
am going to STOP what I'm doing and research a company that I've
never heard of. I'm that nice a guy. |
Received
11/30/01
From what I understand you manufacture products for Slver Forest Vermont.
I am a lover of his jewlery and have quite a few pair. I am having a
problem keeping them in my ears though, and several pair I've purchased
have come without rubber backs on them. My question is how can I purchse
or be compensated for the four (4) pair that I now only have single
earings. I would gladly provide whatever information you need to help me
with this. Thank you for your time.
| In
High School I took a jewelry-making class. Made some nice
rings and a cool Genie keychain out of pure silver. I
wouldn't call it manufacturing per say, but thanks for the
consideration. |
Received 11/26/2001
Dear Carol and Jon,
My
husband and I were thrilled today to find your new "factory
outlet." We remember
the first time we tried to find your "store" after having your
pasta in a
Vermont restaurant. We don't even remember the name of the restaurant
after all these years
but we definitely remembered the pasta. The
first time we tried to find you, you were still located in Putney. It
was snowing pretty
heavily that day 16 years ago when we started up this "steep"
incline. We got almost there (we think) because we stopped at a house
owned by a vet and asked if he knew where you were located. He
told us we were on the right track, but by then the snow was so heavy we
didn't think we should
go on because surely you would not still be open in those
conditions. Dejectedly,
we turned around thinking we were never going to find you. We stopped
in a small market in Putney for something warm to drink and they stocked
your pasta. Needless to say, we thought we had discovered the gold mines
of California. We
bought what we could afford and have never taken a trip back to Vermont
without stopping (as we
did today) for a supply of your good pasta. We
come from Rhode Island. There are good pasta manufacturers (Gem and Venda)
locally; but there's
something about your pasta that surpasses them all! Glad
that you are doing so well. Keep up the good work; your product will
add to our holiday festivities this year.
Sincerely,
Diana & Ed Caseless
92 Yeast Shore Road
Narragansett, RI
| Sounds
like some yummy pasta, maybe I'll buy some at a local retailer
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. |
Received
11/26/2001
Hi, Are you aware of any stores etc. that are offering Santa pet photos in
the area?
Thank you,
Beth Buttshop
| Hmmm,
Santa pet photos... Let me think. EVER HEARD OF THE YELLOW
PAGES? Maybe because I am a "webmaster" people
liken me to an ancient Greek God or something. |
Received 11/13/2001
We are stating hereunder the nos. of bearing TAPPERED
ROLLER BEARINGS TQO TYPE : (equivalant koyo (japan)
1.
I.D : 447.675
M-270748D/M27071 TQO type
O.D : 635.000
T.W : 463.550
2.
I.D : 198.438
M-240648D/M240611/M240611D
O.D : 284.163
T.W
: 225.425
Quantity requried 2
Nos.
Please send your
lowest offer indicating the delivery period.
Regards,
Sudarsshan Daga
| Well
I could tell you right now what my lowest offer for those
bearings is, but I am not sure if the little balls of tinfoil
that I would crumple up and ship to you will really meet your
needs. |
Received
11/9/2001
I need to know the name of the person that first counted the ballots for
the Academy
Awards. Do you know the answer to that one? (I need it for extra credit
BADLY) :)
Thank
you!
Kacey Confused
Administrative Assistant
Idiot Associates - SJ
(@#$) 392-7200
| Aren't
Extra Credit questions great? If I told you the answer then
YOU would be getting the extra credit that I would clearly
deserve, and that would be wrong, very wrong. |
Received
11/8/2001
Dear Sir:
Please
help me find the name of the local gas co. as I am in Exeter N.H. and
need to talk to them about my mom's home in
*&^%$.
Thank-you
| Hi
and thank you for calling the Mover's Relocation Service.
Oh, wait, I work at at NEWSPAPER, that's right I forgot. |
Received
11/5/2001
Hello i am horrified by what I have been reading, I am trying to get into
programs such as
section 8 / DISABLED housing. i need shelter soon I come from
MICHIGAN need a apartment or home soon. I have been waiting for 2yrs.
and I am in need of a
safe place at least before the holidays. Well thanks to the
kind hearted people who care for the under dogs such as myself and thousands
of others that need shelter.. All I ask is if anyone cares to help me
find place in my area please write me back/ !@#$% ESSEX, WARREN MI 48089.
PHONE,!@#
!@#-%^&*..PLEASE SEND INFORMATION OR LISTS OF HOUSING PROGRAMS IN
MY AREA......
| Hmm,
perhaps this person is mistaking our fine city for Warren, MI.
Contrary to popular belief I don't keep a list of available
housing for Michigan handy. Now if you were moving to
Oklahoma I could help you. |
Received
11/2/2001
To whom it may concern:
I am considering moving to your area. Please send me the following:
1. Transportation schedules
2. Fare Information
3. System Route Map
4. Commuter Schedules
5. Bike Info
6. Train & Ferry Info (if any)
7. Any other addresses (email, fax or snail mail) of other transit
agencies in the state or province.
I do appreciate you sending me this information. If there is a fee, please
send me the price information. Thank you very much.
Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Seymour Butts
2600 I'm Ridiculous Avenue
Santa Monica, CA 90404
| After
looking at this again I should have researched the info and sent
it with a bill for $500. It's just funny how people send
emails like this and fully expect that it's my job to do this
research for them. You obviously have an internet connection
since you managed to send this email. So why don't you do
the research yourself. Oh wait, maybe you're too busy at
work... hmmm now that I can relate to. |
Received
10/16/2001
Hi,
I
am interested in purchasing some land in the Dublin, Harrisville, Jaffrey
area. I would
appreciate any information on these and surrounding towns that you
may have available.
Thank
you.
Sincerely,
Seymour Butts
| I
am not a licensed Real Estate Agent. Try a phone book.
Try an internet search (you obviously have an internet
connection). Try leaving me alone. |
Received
10/15/2001
I found an article about Silver Forest of Vermont manufacturers of jewelry
on the internet and have been trying to find this company, with no luck.
Are they still in business?? And do they have a web site?
I'm having a terrible time finding anything about them or the
availability of buying the jewelry at an outlet on the web. Thank
you for any information you might be able to provide. Sherri
$%^&*()@ (!@#$%^&*()@aol.com)
| Hmm,
I wish that I could help. OK, that was a lie. |
Received
10/9/2001
I am coming from NJ, but I am finding that the campgrounds in your area
are closed for
the Pumpkin Festival. It is 31' long and I am not sure what the parking
lots in the area can hold.
Would
you please take the time to help me out with this problem, as I would
love to attend your
festival. I work for AAA and thought it would be a great trip
for next year, but I want to look it over first.
Thank
you for your cooperation. .......Arlene
| It's
Thirty-one feet long? That's impressive! You better
hold onto that man! |
Received
10/1/2001
Please me a Hertz Aeon 2400 can price? A Hertz, The Aeon 2400 only. Thanks
you and site is very good. No obituaries why? The bears are very cute!
Wehre is auther? Who took bear pictures?
Thanks
and for price and other infos!
| This
person was obviously a crack baby who never gave up the habit.
We don't sell any computers, assuming that's what a Hertz Aeon
2400 is. And what fucking bears are you talking about?
If they are dancing bears then perhaps you should stop confusing
our website with the acid trip that you had at Jerry Garcia's last
Grateful Dead concert.! |
Received
9/27/2001
do you sell watermelon teapots if so please send a picture and price list
thanks
| Those
sound cute. Try the Christmas Tree Shops. |
Received
8/27/2001
I want to do a cal ripken needle point but i can not find one where can i
get one
| I
like Cal Ripken, he is the iron man. Unfortunately I have
nothing more to say about this one. How would you respond to
this one if you had my job? |
Received
7/17/2001
Can you please me a diagram for a 1989 Dodge Dakota pickup truck? My
E-Mail address is !@#$%^&*@juno.com. I would really appreciate
it if you could. thanks Nancy.
| Perhaps
you should try getting a fucking clue. At what point did I become
a distributor of diagrams for pickup trucks anyways. Arghh! |