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Santa
Clause Cracks, Quits His Job In what can only be described as an unexpected turn of events, Jolly Old Saint Nick has turned to the bottle and quit his job as the happy distributor of presents to children all over the world. According to one source he "has lost the will to live." He has also been quoted as saying "I never really liked children, I was just in it for the cookies." This
news no doubt comes as a shock to literally billions of parents all over
the world The fate of Santa's reindeer has yet to be decided at this point, although several venison farms have show extreme levels of interest. The market for pure-bred magic flying reindeer is apparently very active right now. According to NRA head Charton Heston, who has already purchased "Blitzen" for a private function, "They taste like nothing you've ever eaten. Simply melts in your mouth." Santa had nearly 1200 elves in his employ who will also be looking for work now. Apparently their union head Paco Sanchez is in the middle of negotiations with leading toy manufacturer Hasbro. Hasbro runs several successful sweat shops throughout the Dominican Republic and is always looking for cheap, skilled laborers.
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who will now be forced to buy presents for their children and pass them
off as Santa gifts. The International Christmas Council met earlier
this week and discussed the possibility of coming clean with the kids, but
the idea was shot down almost immediately. Dean Krifter, the council
head, said "the truth would be more than they can take. We need
to protect our children!"