This call WILL NOT be monitored for quality assurance

I was looking at my friend's calendar of old forgotten English the other day and thought of a phrase that should be included.  Customer Service.  Customer Service, also known as "doing the best that you can for your customers", is a lost and forgotten art.  Like the cold-blooded dinosaurs of the prehistoric era it is extinct.  We all experience this on a daily basis.  Below is one example that I would like to share.

I recently set up my personal loan to be taken out of my checking account automatically and paid to the credit union on the 15th of every month.  This way I will be able to avoid the late fees that I was getting every month because of my inability to remember to pay them.  You can imagine my disappointment when I received a letter from my credit union on the 17th telling me that my payment for the 15th was not received, and I was receiving yet another late fee.  Let the battle begin.

Round 1

11/17/2001, 5:30 pm:  I dial the customer service number that was on the letter I received to try and figure out exactly what is going on.  I receive a nice user-friendly menu system that wants me to make a choice about who I would like to speak with.  After cracking the secret digit code more complex than the Pentagon's 468 bit encryption I am finally going to be transferred to a "representative."  I am also reminded that "this call may be monitored for quality assurance."

I give my account number and then explain my entire situation to the somewhat annoyed (It was almost her quitting time) customer service representative.  She then tells me to hold while she transfers me to the collections department.  Click.  Hello?
Hello?  Is there anybody there?  The "please hang up and try again message" fills me in that a highly competent employee has succeeded in disconnecting me. 

Round 2

11/17/2001, 5:43 pm:  I call back the number.  I get the menu.  I make my choice.  "This call may be monitored for quality assurance." I wait.  Click. That sounded all to familiar.  Strike 2.

Round 3

11/17/2001, 5:45 pm:  I Call Back.  Don't you love how because of the nice menus you can't even redial a number after you get disconnected?  Make menu choice.  wait.  wait. wait.  Explain story again.  On hold for collection again.  Gee, I wonder why the menu doesn't have an option to speak to the collections department directly.  Hold music sure kicks ass.  Wait, it's ringing.... I have gotten somebody's voicemail.  It's "Joe" in the Automotive Sales Division.  Ahh, just the person who I wanted to speak to about my personal loan problem.   I left him a message telling him that I knew that he couldn't help me, but since it might be my only chance to leave a message I was going to anyways.  Joe never called me back.  What a bastard.  Strike 3, I have had enough for today.

Round 4 (2 days later)

11/19/2001, 4:45 pm:  I was beginning to get my strength back after my previous attempt and decided it was time to try again.  I dial the customer service number and this time I get a busy signal.  I try again.  Busy.  After 5 tries I decide to look up the number for my credit union's local branch and call that directly.  After getting through the menu I actually speak to a person!  She looks up my account and informs me that the money was never received, so I should call my bank and find out why they didn't send it.  Finally, I was making some progress with this Bloodhound Gang mystery (or so I thought).

Round 5

11/19/2001, 5:00 pm:  I was kind of excited to call my bank because at least I got a chance to listen to a different menu system.  It's like reading one of those choose your own adventure books.  Did I press the right button, or will a mysterious stranger step out of the shadows and club me so that I have to go back to page 1?

The customer service representative at my bank informs me that the money was in fact sent to my credit union on the 15th.  Go back to page 1.

Round 6

11/19/2001, 5:10 pm:  I call my local credit union branch again.  "This call may be monitored for quality assurance."  I speak to another representative and explain to her how much excited I am to be calling them back.  She ends up telling me that I am going to have to call the main branch number.  Not willing to fall for that trick again, I explain to her that I am convinced there is no main branch and that their phones don't work anyways.  Apparently she sensed my frustration because she told me that she would personally call them and then call me back.  

Round 7

11/19/2001, 5:20 pm:  Ten minutes later the phone rings.  It is the customer service representative calling me back.  She explains to me that the late fee is actually in reference to a payment that was late 3 months ago, and that my payment on the 15th did in fact go through normally.  That being the case, WHY THE FUCK did it take 18 people to figure that out?  

The moral of the story:  Your call will NEVER be monitored for quality assurance.  If it was then shit like this wouldn't happen every time you have a simple question with a simple answer.  7 phone conversations.  65 minutes of my life that I can never have back.

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